Happy Birthday to Me!

Hello, how are you today? I’ve had a very long day working ‘darn sarf’ so I thought I would unwind by giving you a further instalment of the sexual misadventures of the fat lad from Donny.

I’ve been considering writing this one for a while but was unsure because it is a bit strong and anyone that knows me will tell you that if it’s strong by my standards then it must be pretty horrific by normal standards. So, with that in mind if you have a heart condition, suspect you may be pregnant or are easily offended please look away now. Then again if you are a dirty pervert read on!!



Happy Birthday to me!!
It was September of…..actually I’ll keep the year to myself because if not I’m sure some of you would be able to deduct who the star of this story is, I will retain said lady’s anonymity for reasons that will soon become clear. Anyway! It was September and my birthday was approaching and the lady in my life at the time said she had planned a surprise for me. I was to drop my car off at her house along with my jim jams and a toothbrush and she would take care of the rest. A taxi came to collect us and we went off to the finest restraint in Doncaster, I was a bit disappointed when this turned out not to be Burger Jim’s but I appreciated it none the less. We drank wine and scoffed down some steak then she paid and led me to the next destination, the Purple Door. Now anyone from Doncaster will know of this establishment but for those of you that don’t it is, well, a strip club. We walked in and took a seat and I was keen not to show my delight but inside I’m sure even my appendix was getting an erection.  My partner then asked me to choose……I’m not sure if any other fellas out there have been in this situation but never, ever immediately point to a dancer and say in a little Britain style  ‘I want that one’ I did the only thing I could think and said ‘it would be so much better if you chose’. She looked around as if she was looking at the shampoo selection on the shelf at Tesco and eventually picked out a tall brunette and took me by the hand and followed her into a booth. I felt like a teenager seeing his first set of chonkers but very wary about letting my gaze lay on her for too long. I needn’t have worried, my date was looking at her like Charlie looked at the Sweeties in the shop window prior to visiting the chocolate factory.
Our visit to the club had the desired effect and we immediately left and got into a minicab to get back to hers in double quick time. We climbed into the back and following the usual ‘what time you on till/Have you been busy’ conversation my girl decided to get her head down for a bit of a rest. I glanced down to see her unbuttoning my fly and almost being blinded by Pedro’s rather dramatic entrance onto the scene. I reengaged our driver in conversation to take my mind off other matters ‘I see you chose the Skoda superb over a Passat, you do get a lot more for your money’ followed by various enquires over fuel consumption and servicing costs. I must admit I have no idea what his answers were, my mind was elsewhere. The noises that were coming from my crotch I was starting to wonder if my girl had snuck a slush puppy in with us, actually the numbing sensation this would have provided could have been of benefit. The asked me to guess how much his new motor had set him back, he might as well have asked me to explain the principles of quantum mechanics. ‘erm 25 grand’ I splurted out ‘Don’t be daft mate it cost me five’ I have never cared so little about the cost of a motor. Thank god we were home….
We pulled up to her house and I was physically dragged through her front door and straight into the dining room. As a kid whenever I saw a game of football I would always take my ball out into the garden and imagine in my head that I was Ian Rush or John Barnes and re-enact whatever they had done in the game, well as it turns out strip clubs have a similar effect on this lady, in here head she was now a superstar stripper. She sat me down on a dining chair, tying my hands behind me and climbing up onto the table. She gyrated and disrobed slowly and drunkenly, not in perfect time with the background music but let’s face it, I wasn’t giving points for artistic merit. She dropped back supported by one hand, thrusting her groin up in a MC Hammer style, giving me a gynaecologist’s view of her ‘Blinking horse’s eye’ . One thrust proved to be too many and I heard an almighty crack, It was immediately apparent that however much I was enjoying her routine, her furniture was not such a fan. One of the legs on the table had dislodged and sent her tumbling towards me. It also was soon clear that the table was not the only thing to give way, unfortunately for me her bladder had too. I was soaked, warm, but soaked.  She  scrambled to her feet to untie me, apologising as she did it profusely and sliding along the laminate flooring and trying to regain her footing like she was dong the running man, sobbing as she did. I laughed a lot and tried to comfort her but it turns out girls are keen on being hugged by a piss covered man, wherever it originated from!

The moral of this tale? Leave it to the professionals, or at the very least invest in a Vileda Supermop.

Summer Loving...Happened So Fast........

As I sit here on my dining table on 14^th September 2011 I am considering putting the heating on for the first time, my testicles have taken refuge next to my kidneys and my feet are as cold as a bottle of milk on an Eskimo’s doorstep. My mind is wandering and thinking of what to do next summer and what I did 10 summers ago………..

I’d been doing my usual dodgy dealings at work and somehow managed to sell enough to be rewarded by the leasing company we used to be given a holiday to the destination of my choice, this would open up all kinds of possibilities. I’d been seeing a girl for a few months and this could be my chance to impress, a week on an isolated beech? a trip to Venice and the romantic but somewhat stereotypical gondola ride? My girlfriends dream of a safari in Kenya maybe? Or……….
2 Months later I was in the departure lounge at Manchester Airport playing ‘name the animal noise’ while waiting for a plane to Cancun…….with Gaz.
Winning the holiday got me thinking, is this the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with? I went to see her the night I was told about the holiday and realised I couldn’t stand to think I would spend eternity with her. Or a week away. Or the rest of that night, I left a couple of hours later with her questions of my parentage still ringing in my ears and called my best friend when I got home, he was as excited about me being newly single as he was about the prospect of a free holiday (he was not that particular girlfriends biggest fan!)

We landed in Mexico late at night and were battered, from a combination of 18 hours travelling and the belief that drinking small cans of beer wouldn’t get us drunk. When we reached the hotel we decided to go straight to our room to rest up. We were taken there by a little Mexican fellow who showed us how everything worked; air-con, shower, mini-bar then TV. He explained this in great detail (please read in a Mexican accent) “channel 1, BBC news. Channel 2, ESPN sports for Foootball, Channel 3 Kids cartoons. Channel 4, Muvies. Channel 5……Playboy! Porn for yoooo! twentee fourrr hourrrrsss a day! When you wake up, porn. When you sleep, porn. You boys like??’ We did. So when he left we put the TV on and did what anyone else would do. We watched He-man, In Spanish. There were no subtitles so we had to do our own translating. I was the good guys and he was the baddies.
 When we got up we went out to explore. The place was lovely, several pools, a private beach, tennis courts, 24 hour free bars and great food served whenever you wanted it and boobies everywhere you looked! We did the usual stuff like playing football, tennis and water polo. Then settled down on our sun-beds to catch some rays, enjoy a cold beer and watch the entertainment. The show on the poolside stage was a bit fruity, sexual position games, blowjobs with bananas, you know that sort of thing. As we watched an American lady of advancing years came and sat on the end of my lounger and said what could possibly be the best thing I’ve heard upon first meeting someone ‘So……have you guys been laid yet?’ Gaz nearly choked on his Corona and I replied rather meekly ‘erm….not yet….we’ve just got here’ she looked at me and Gareth in turn and said ‘Well I’m in room 216 when either of you are ready’. We were struck dumb and she walked off to presumable lube up. A group of lads were messing with a football in the pool and were laughing at our obvious shock at what had just happened ‘Have you had your first offer?’ one shouted ‘First?’ I replied ‘yeah you’ll get plenty, did you not know?......this is a swingers hotel!’ We looked around open mouthed as various couples talked together as the husbands passed their wives around like a spliff in a University dorm room. This was new, even for me!
That night we watched some middle aged women in a wet t-shirt competition being cheered on by their husbands as they made a bee-line for me and my buddy and gave us the most awkward lap dances either of us would ever experience. The rep came round offering trips to Fat Tuesdays for $20 so we decided to go and get back to relative normality. When we got there we soon got in the holiday spirit and drank everything under the sun, starting with cocktails, then tequila, then what I presume was Shrek’s piss. We were pogoing around to the Mexican classic ‘follow the leader’ when I heard a loud pop and felt excruciating pain shoot up my leg. I screamed out and Gaz helped me to the seats at the side of the dance floor. I looked down at my right ankle and it was swollen to the size of a tennis ball.  The rep from the hotel ran over and after looking at the injury for several minutes decided that the best way to heal it would be to prod it with a pencil, I was already doubting his medical knowledge and this had confirmed it, I’d have been better off with Dr Shipman than this bloke so off to the hospital we went. After a long wait and lots of form filling I eventually saw a doctor and he informed me I had snapped some ligaments in my ankle and he would have to put it in pot and rest it up.
The next day I did a lot of reading and feeling sorry for myself while Gareth tried to entertain me and even tried to fashion a waterproof pot cover out of some bin bags and elastic bands so that I could get in the pool but it didn’t work. We had our evening meal and went to sit at the bar and entertained ourselves by challenging Americans to drinking contests. After a while we were approached by a couple of young ladies……well I say young. One was about our age and the other looked like Dorian from Birds of a feather only with blonde hair and a tighter perm. It became clear that Gaz was game on with the younger one so I made an excuse of being tired due to the pain from my leg and went to my room. I got settled on my bed and popped the TV on to channel 5, squirted out a handful of after sun and made sure I had some tissues within arms reach. Just as the plumber turned up in the movie I was watching there was an knock on the door and the sound of the door opening slowly. “Hello” it was the voice of a woman “your mate has gone back to our room and said you would be fine with me staying here” Dorian from the bar came into the room “erm yeah ok” I replied. “Just because I’m staying hear doesn’t mean you’re getting any” I looked at her and smiled “Who you trying to kid”……We quickly removed my shorts and gave me ‘a special kiss’ while I watched the housewife on the TV getting her boiler serviced over Dorian’s shoulder. She sat up and removed her top exposing her boobs that swung from left to right like a metronome keeping time on a Radiohead song. She stood at the end of the bed and stepped out of her knickers and as she did a mass of blonde pubes sprang out like they had been gasping for air, It looked like she was getting a shoulder ride off of Jedward. As she got closer her minge-fro had me mesmerised, it seemed to lead her towards me and it glistened in the light from the TV, I’m sure she had been using Soul-glow on it like Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. She climbed on top of me and rode me like she was trying to rub me out. She leaned into my ear and whispered “do me from behind” now usually I would do this with no hesitation but my new disability could prove problematic. I hobbled out of bed and she bet over the sideboard like a baboon ‘presenting’ itself, I pulled a chair over and rested my bad leg on it as I went to work. I noticed next to the TV Gareth had left his disposable camera so I grabbed it and held her head down while I pointed the camera towards us and took a photo with a big smile on my face and my thumb in the air, I needed to prove to my mate what had happened after all!
When we had finished we laid on the bed and my new love complemented me on my ability to perform through my obvious pain and showing Steven Hawkins like ability to overcome disability. “it wasn’t me love, It was all his doing” I pointed to….well you know. “in honour of his achievements her from now on he will forever be called………Pedro” J